The Cost of Comformity
Have you ever given up something in order to fit in?
When I moved to Nashville for law school, I was still hedging my bets. Although I had decided to follow the more respectable and reliable career path of being a lawyer (per society’s standards), I hadn’t yet given up my dreams of being an artist and performer.
As soon as I got to town, I found a music-related gig to make some extra money. I worked at the Wild Horse Saloon as a server and would regularly perform with the house band. I would gladly hand out cassettes (yes, we still had cassettes back then!) to anyone that wanted to listen. I wasn’t sure where my music would lead but I loved to perform and write songs.
Given my love for music, it was only natural that I wanted to pursue a career in entertainment law. I thought working on the business side of the music industry would help me pursue that goal. During my first semester of law school, I applied to be a paid intern at one of the largest record labels. The interviews were a breeze, I made a great connection with each interviewer and got the offer. Only for it to be rescinded a few days later…
Apparently, someone at the label had my tape and had seen me perform (which is flattering) but they felt I should have disclosed that information without being asked. I was completely blind sighted. I had no idea that my singing would disqualify me from an intern position at the record label. I was told that I had to choose. I could perform or I could be on the business side. I could not do both.
Young and naive, I believed them. I was heartbroken. I wasn’t going to drop out of Vanderbilt Law School after working so hard to get in. So I cried a lot of tears and made a decision. I would give up my musical performance desires and focus solely on the business and legal side of the music industry. I quit working at the Wild Horse, I quit singing in bars, and I quit playing my guitar and writing songs in the privacy of my own home. I took the ultimatum very seriously and eventually gave up music completely after graduating law school (except for singing at a few friends’ weddings).
To be honest, I still struggle to pick up the guitar or write a song. Even though I now know I can most definitely write and play on the side (heck, everyone in this town does), it doesn’t feel right. What had once been a part of my daily life, my every fiber, what filled my soul and carried me through my childhood years was put away on a shelf in an effort to conform and please others.
I’m reminded of this story because so many of clients come to me with explanations and excuses of why they can’t do certain things. They say things like — it would be frowned upon, it would hurt my reputation, what would people think?
Some of us have become so obsessed with people-pleasing in order to climb the corporate ladder that we’ve slowly killed off the part of ourselves that gives us life.
I even recall sitting in a training session when a mentor explained to a young attorney that it looked bad for him to listen to music on his iPod as he walked down the street. Really?!?! Listening to music makes you unprofessional? {Side note – the very next week I was in NYC and there were scores of suits with earbuds listening to music as they walked down the street…}
The more we hide our personalities, talents, quirks and unique traits, the less we have to offer. Sure, you might get more points in the eyes of your superiors or land a job that expects you to dress and act a certain way, but you dim your light if you’re doing it just to fit in. And slowly you lose touch of who are you and what makes you special.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that you show up to work in sweatpants, eat with your mouth open, wipe your nose on your sleeve or yell cuss words at everyone that annoys you in the name of embracing your unique personality. But I am suggesting that you be more real. That you let your personality shine through a bit more. That you have enough confidence to say no when someone asks or tells you to be someone you’re not just so it makes them feel more comfortable.
Do you. Be you. The world needs more of you.
Leave a comment below and let me know what you’ve given up or hidden in order to be more of an adult or professional. What do you want to reclaim?
